When I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store. The store played muzak which was on a continual loop. Sometimes, I found myself humming the next song before it even started. I don't remember it being awful or great; it was just there. If I was busy, I took little notice of it. But, if I was working the closing shift, which I often did, the muzak was very noticeable at the end of the evening when there were few shoppers.
For the past seven months, I have had images and memories of the past two years, especially events surrounding Branden's death and funeral, that play on a loop in my mind. I would label this muzak Loss. It can make me a bit weepy. I went back to work quickly to silence the muzak of my mind. Work was a good distraction. Until July, I couldn't sit still, so I focused on all the paperwork that widows need to file and unfinished projects around the house. I hit a mental wall in July after I came home from visiting Florida and lost my motivation for projects. The muzak got louder.
Now I am back to school year #30 as a teacher. Transitioning to another season makes Branden's absence more noticeable. I am again distracted from the muzak, but it becomes louder at the end of the day and in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Hopefully, the muzak will soon change to something less dreary.
