52

      I was born on my grandmother’s 52nd birthday and here I am writing this on the eve of my 52nd birthday. Fifty-two doesn't seem as old as I thought it was when I was a child. But, I never thought of my grandma as elderly. She was just a few weeks from her 89th birthday when she died and still went to water aerobics in her late 80s. Grandma also loved to laugh. At some point in my young childhood, she decided I was ready to hear my first dirty joke. It went something like this:

Three boys were walking home from school, and one of them says that he knows that Mrs. Smith always changes her clothes after work and never closes the blinds. If they climb the tree in the yard they can see right into her window and see her naked. So, the three boys climb the tree, and sure enough they see Mrs. Smith naked. Suddenly, one boy jumps out of the tree and runs towards home. His friends chase him and ask why he is running. He says. “My mom told me if I ever looked at a naked lady I would turn to stone and I think I already started!”

Then there was the time she decided to tell me about the funny movie she saw in the theater, There’s Something About Mary. She made my 15-year-old sister cover her ears as she tried to explain the famous hair gel scene. She was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out. My 26-year-old self was trying to comprehend that I was having this conversation with my grandma. Now, it’s one of my favorite stories to tell. 

Grandma was also a young widow. My grandpa died before I was born. There was never a reason to talk to her about that phase of her life, but now I wonder what advice she would give me. I still laugh and feel joy, but there is always that tug that keeps me from being TOO happy. It’s a weird balance to be mourning but still want to enjoy the life around you.

My 50s so far have not been fabulous. I had high hopes for this decade. I had plans. The future is so uncertain but I remind myself that uncertainty doesn't have to be scary. My past has made me the person I am now and I want to embrace the adventures that are waiting for me in the future. God knows the plans he has for me, and seems to like to keep those plans a surprise. I know God will not abandon me. But, I pray that 52 is a year of joy.