How did I get here?

    When people say "Until death do us part,'' I think it's safe to assume that people are imagining a time far into the future. But, here I am at 51 staring at forms that ask if you're single or married and feeling like I need to check a box in between. Dying at 51 is not supposed to be a normal thing. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children, it's out of the natural order of things. That's why it hasn't bothered me when people ask me what happened. It’s perfectly natural to wonder what happened when someone young dies.

 I wasn't able to give people a definite answer for nearly two months. The pathologist was on vacation when Branden died and then his flight got delayed by an ice storm. The autopsy was performed a week after he died and I received the report 7 weeks later. Word of advice, don't read the autopsy report of a loved one. It's full of details that create mental images that are hard to suppress. Take it to a trusted medical professional if you want details explained or just read the summary that lists the cause of death. 

     Branden's cause of death was listed as complications from duodenal ulcer disease with contributing factors of atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease and ethanol dependence. The report stated that an ulcer had perforated. I did a lot of googling after reading this report. I still don't understand how I could have talked to him at 10 AM and he was fine only to come home from work at 4 PM and find him dead. I will write more about his health in other posts, but he had been feeling sick for about a year. We never got any answers but we never thought it was fatal. 

    So here I am. For over thirty years Branden was part of my identity. I was his girlfriend/fiance/wife my entirie adult life. It's not that I didn't have my own personal identity but that he was part of my identity. I am now his widow. Somehow, defining myself by the lack of something isn't very appealing. I don't know for how long when people ask if I am married I should answer that I am widow. At some point, I need to be confident enough in my new idenity to check that single box. I am now on a journey of redefining myself. He will always be a part of what defines me, though.