Looking back now I can clearly see how Branden's mental illness affected our relationship the entire 30+ years we were together. He had ups and downs and there were years that he was content and he could manage life fairly well. But gradually things started unraveling. There were different stressors starting around the time of the pandemic in 2020 and he started sinking into a dark hole of anxiety. I also believe there was a form of spiritual attack occurring as he grew stronger in his faith through the deacon formation program.
Branden was really good at hiding things. When he got really anxious he would just shut down. On the outside it would seem he didn't care, but the truth was he probably cared too much and it was literally eating him up inside. His solution to dealing with life was to go numb. Alcohol helped numb his emotions. He had cut down on his drinking outside the house, he didn’t hang out in bars, but I had no idea how much he drank at night just to sleep. Seriously, he was that good at deflecting and hiding things.
He finally admitted how much he had been drinking on Christmas Eve 2020. He started seeking professional help in January 2021. There is a serious lack of mental health services in this country especially in a rural area. There is either a waiting list or you’re lucky if a therapist can work you in twice a month. He needed more support than what was available locally. By the Fall he agreed to residential treatment out of town but close to his parents. This led to intensive outpatient therapy a few days a week. He would stay with his parents on treatment days and come home on the off days. This continued until November 2022 when he decided to get on a waiting list at a local center. When he died in January he was still waiting for an opening.
While in residential treatment, he was officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression which was of no surprise. Eventually he was also given a PTSD diagnosis. Through therapy he revealed a secret he had buried for nearly 40 years. His parents and I were stunned at the trauma he had hidden. The first treatment center was not addressing the trauma effectively so he started therapy at another center that offered a different approach. Finally revealing the trauma opened up a Pandora’s Box of emotions. No amount of therapy or medication seemed to ease his anxiety, in fact many days he seemed worse. He also started feeling sick all the time and I think the therapists and doctors were so focused on his mental health that they overlooked what eventually killed him.
Throughout this process I was out of the loop. I would ask him so many questions about his therapy and appointments. I was keeping a spreadsheet of his medications and all the changes. I was reading and researching. I wanted to talk to his therapists, but that was never encouraged. I wrote letters and shared my journal with his therapists through Branden. They told him they appreciated that. Because of my observations they did change some medications. But, they never reached out to me. It didn't feel like a team effort to help him. I was on the outside but I was the one who knew him, the real him. I was the one who noticed he was losing weight. I was the one who noticed the personality changes. I was the one who had to live with him. I was the one who had known him most of his life. I felt lost and helpless. If he had cancer, I imagine I would have been encouraged to attend appointments.
I will forever wonder what I could have done differently or what advice I would give people who are struggling with mental illness. As part of the treatment plan, especially the residential placement, there should have been marriage counseling and family therapy offered. The place in Decatur did offer a therapy session over the phone when I asked, not even a Zoom or Google Meet. I declined because it felt so impersonal and weird to be talking to someone I couldn't see about something so personal. With Branden's permission, I wish that the facilities would have called and talked to me to explain the treatment plan or get an insight into the type of support system he had at home. Instead everything was dealt with in isolation. I wish I could have convinced him years ago to start therapy because with more time we may have found the right treatment plan.
Mental illness gets more press these days but there is still a stigma. There are still people who think you can just “get over it" and move on, just be happy. You know, just "suck it up" and deny you have feelings. There is a mental illness health crisis in this country, but I don't feel like we know exactly the right approach to living with it, through it, and beyond. I feel like we put a bunch of bandaids on the problem and hope for the best.
This isn't easy to write about because I don't want people to think less of Branden because of his mental health struggles. There are so many families struggling silently and that isn't fair. No one should feel ashamed to ask for help. So, if writing about this helps just one person, then I know I have honored Branden's memory. I still wish he was the one writing about this, though.
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