Landslide

     It's been 5 months since I became a widow and most days I do ok. I can talk about him without tears and focus on what I need to do that day. Then there is this morning. I wake up sad and then hear the song Landslide and break down crying. I always liked that song but it hits differently when you are older. (BTW The Dixie Chicks did a decent job but my go to will always be Stevie Nicks). Hunter and I used that song for the mother/son dance. It is a very long song when you're in the middle of the dance floor with people staring at you. I have learned my lesson for future weddings. 

    Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you

    For over 30 years I made decisions about life as a couple. Now, my long range plans are focused on just me as a single person. It's a weird mix of scary and liberating. Maybe liberating isn't the right word. Think back to when you got your driver's license and got to drive by yourself for the first time. No one is in the car to tell which way to go. You could take the same route that your parents did or you could decide to take a totally different route. I actually thought about which paper towels to buy the first big shopping trip I took as a widow. Branden was particular about that and I almost bought a different brand. Almost. I find that embracing little changes in decor or rearranging things distracts me from the loneliness, for a little while. 

But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I'm getting older too

    My children are definitely getting older. There is real possiblity that all three will end up in Florida which is a far way from Illinois. I always told them to at least move close to each other so I could visit all of them at the same time. I never want to hold them back from their dreams and that's part of time making you bolder. The older you get you realize that life is not a dress rehearsal. You can't wait until later because sometime later never happens. I am doing my best to say yes more often and being open to new possibilities. To quote Ferris Bueller "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

    Hopefully I can sail through the changin' ocean tide and handle the seasons of my life.....

God is good

For five years I have heard these men say, "God willing, I will be ordained in June 2023." Today was that day. Even though my emotions got the best of me, I was really overjoyed to witness the ordination of these men.

Being ordained was not part of God's plan for Branden, but learning and growing in faith with these men and their wives (and 2 more from MO) for 4 1/2 years was part of the plan. A deacon is called to use his time and talents to serve. This cross made in Branden's memory exemplifies the beauty of people working and praying together. Someone had some pecan wood, another possessed amazing woodworking skills, another had the means to engrave it, and combined with the prayers of all this amazing work is mine to treasure.

God is good....

Peace

     "Everything happens for a reason," is a phrase that I guarantee has never in the history of ever comforted someone in their grief. We can't comprehend God's plan and looking for the reason our loved one did not experience a miracle is a pointless pursuit. God knows our complete story and I firmly believe he prepared me for this moment. He placed people to be there to support me and other little things just fell into place during this turmultuous time. But, most importantly, in my mid-30s I had an epiphany that changed my prayer life and my relationship with God. 

    Fifteen years ago I was not in a good place spiritually. I was stressed and bitter. I would pray constantly but my prayers were more like demands. I couldn't understand why my life felt like such a mess when I was being a "good" Catholic. Without even realizing it I was wrongly subscribing to the prosperity gospel! Then one day I was so tired of fighting, I surrendered. My prayer became "I don't know where my life is going but I am going to have to put my trust in You to get me through." I came to this realization that I was not so special that I deserved less suffering than someone else.  I had never read a biography of a saint that ended with "Since she was such a good Catholic, she lived a life free of suffering and died peacefully after attaining 100 years of age." We remember saints because of their actions during adversity not because they never faced adversity. 

    I started understanding that peace is internal despite our external circumstances. If life wasn't going the way I imagined I could still rest assured that God was there even in the dark times. Life isn't always an either/or but often is both/and. I can be both sad and even angry about being a widow and still have inner peace. It's when we get stuck in the sadness and anger and let that separate us from God that we have a problem. When we are stuck we can't see the blessings that still remain. 

    It isn't easy to find the good when we feel overwhelmed by the bad.  When you lose a spouse it takes time not to feel guilty when you experience joy. It takes time to understand that being sad and angry all the time is not honoring their memory. It takes time to finally find peace again. I am on the road to peace. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a roundabout ("Look kids. Big Ben, Parliament.") I will keep moving and eventually I will find my destination. God is a good navigator, I just need to listen to his directions. 

Give Thanks

 May 29, 2023

CCC 1016: By death the soul is separated from the body, but in the resurrection God will give incorruptible life to our body, transformed by reunion with our soul. Just as Christ is risen and lives for ever, so all of us will rise at the last day.

My school year ended last Monday but I haven't really processed that it is summer, yet. I was busy last week finishing up some school things. But, mostly I was mentally preparing to bury Branden's ashes yesterday.

It was a bit surreal. I knew he was not physically THERE but one day his soul will be reunited with his physical body that is THERE. THERE is now a place to honor his memory but he is SOMEWHERE now and that isn't too far away. (My 80s friends may understand the reference to Warrant). I looked around the cemetery and saw how many people touched our lives in the nearly 30 years that we have lived in Mt Vernon. He is in good company.

1Thess 5:18: give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This situation sucks, I'd rather have a healthy husband. But, I was reminded of this verse in The God Minute podcast. (And also from a bishop in KY.) It's that word "in". We don't give thanks FOR the bad things but for the blessings we experience IN rough times (and good times). I have a lot of support. I spent this weekend watching my 3 sons interact along with a daughter-in-law and girlfriend. I will hold on to the joy of that. The blessings will get me through the sad times.

Loss

    "I lost my husband in January" is a normal sentence in English but it's a weird way to talk about a death. It's not like I misplaced him. I know he is somewhere right now. He is no longer physically here in the present. He isn't here to reminisce about past memories. He isn't hear here to talk about our future plans. I have suffered a loss but he is still a part of my life. 

    I lost his friends. I didn't lose the friends we found together like the neighbors, the people we sat with at ballgames, or the fellow volunteers at school and scout events. But his friendships that were developed outside of our marriage don't include me. I would hear about these friends all the time and met most of them. Now I don't have any connection to them and the feeling of loss took me by surprise. I miss hearing their stories. I wonder if they still think of him. Do they miss him? Or has he become just a memory of that guy they knew back when?

    I lost part of my identity. I am no longer a "we". That has affected me in surprising ways. There are podcasts and TV shows that in the past I listened to or watched faithfully but now I avoid them. It took me awhile to realize I was avoiding the ones hosted by couples. Even if the show wasn't focused on marriage, they were offering their perspective as a married couple. I don't relate to that content any longer. I am now the one who picks the floral patterns over the neutral colors when buying a new blanket. 

    When you lose something, it's natural to want to fill that void. The past four months I have kept busy. I can't exactly say I am productive, but it's hard to sit still. Eventually, I will learn to relax again in the silence. The memories and blessings fill the void but they are like a patch. A patch can make something functional but it's never quite the same.