Peace

     "Everything happens for a reason," is a phrase that I guarantee has never in the history of ever comforted someone in their grief. We can't comprehend God's plan and looking for the reason our loved one did not experience a miracle is a pointless pursuit. God knows our complete story and I firmly believe he prepared me for this moment. He placed people to be there to support me and other little things just fell into place during this turmultuous time. But, most importantly, in my mid-30s I had an epiphany that changed my prayer life and my relationship with God. 

    Fifteen years ago I was not in a good place spiritually. I was stressed and bitter. I would pray constantly but my prayers were more like demands. I couldn't understand why my life felt like such a mess when I was being a "good" Catholic. Without even realizing it I was wrongly subscribing to the prosperity gospel! Then one day I was so tired of fighting, I surrendered. My prayer became "I don't know where my life is going but I am going to have to put my trust in You to get me through." I came to this realization that I was not so special that I deserved less suffering than someone else.  I had never read a biography of a saint that ended with "Since she was such a good Catholic, she lived a life free of suffering and died peacefully after attaining 100 years of age." We remember saints because of their actions during adversity not because they never faced adversity. 

    I started understanding that peace is internal despite our external circumstances. If life wasn't going the way I imagined I could still rest assured that God was there even in the dark times. Life isn't always an either/or but often is both/and. I can be both sad and even angry about being a widow and still have inner peace. It's when we get stuck in the sadness and anger and let that separate us from God that we have a problem. When we are stuck we can't see the blessings that still remain. 

    It isn't easy to find the good when we feel overwhelmed by the bad.  When you lose a spouse it takes time not to feel guilty when you experience joy. It takes time to understand that being sad and angry all the time is not honoring their memory. It takes time to finally find peace again. I am on the road to peace. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a roundabout ("Look kids. Big Ben, Parliament.") I will keep moving and eventually I will find my destination. God is a good navigator, I just need to listen to his directions.