There is lore that the second year after the death of a loved one is worse than the first. I was determined for that not to happen. I could not imagine feeling worse! For me, the second year was different. The shock and numbness were gone, and I felt things differently. So, the year was not worse, but I had to actually deal with the feelings.
I definitely overcommitted myself throughout the year finding my purpose. It's fine. I have had wonderful adventures along the way. Attending classes at St. Meinrad to earn my Master of Arts degree in Theology has been healing. I have no idea what I will eventually do with that degree. However, in 2028 I will retire from my teaching career, and I trust God will lead me to a new career path that uses this degree.
A role I embraced this past year is that of grandma to Kali Sophia. Yes, a girl was added to the Schrader family. I heard so often, “Finally, a girl!” That would make me laugh because I was always very content being a boy mom. Of course, I would have joyfully welcomed a daughter. But, it was Branden who would have been over the moon about having a princess to protect and spoil.
I have been thinking about the word peace often recently. I have yet to find the story of a Saint who led a life with no adversity and then died at an old age peacefully in their sleep. Usually, the stories of the Saints are just the opposite. My search for peace meant accepting that Branden is no longer here. Branden did not experience internal peace for most of his life, but I am hopeful he is now at peace with the Lord. As I enter year three of this journey, I will continue to find a way to tell the story of his struggles to help other people. I thought that he would be able to recover and do that, but maybe it is part of my purpose in life.
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