The Year of Me

After the death of a loved one, holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays become reminders of absence. I got some strange looks when I told people I was dreading New Year’s Eve more than the other holidays. The thing is, family can fill in the void at big family gatherings. New Year’s Eve feels more personal. Not that we always went out or had plans, but Branden and I spent 33 New Year’s Eves together. 

Well, technically not Y2K. Branden was mandated to work overtime at the prison to wait for the computer glitch that never happened. But I digress…

I have learned this year that you can’t outrun your feelings. After weeks of wondering just what in the heck I was going to do for New Year’s Eve, I decided it didn’t really matter. It’s another day that I feel sad and a bit lonely. But, I don’t have to wallow in misery. I can make my favorite appetizers, watch a fun movie, and just be. I can reflect and plan for 2024, the Year of Me. 

You may think that the Year of Me sounds a bit self-indulgent. It’s just a matter of fact. For nearly 30 years my life decisions took into account my spouse and children. Naturally, some of my needs and wants were put on the back burner. For five years our life revolved around being part of the diaconate program. Then the last two years my energy was focused on Branden’s physical and mental health. In 2024, I more than likely will become an empty nester. (Except for the dogs). I am still a mother but my kids are figuring out their way and now I need to figure out how to focus on myself. It's a little weird but also the possibilities are intriguing.

While 2023 was a heartbreaking year, I am grateful for the blessings. In 2024, I am confident those blessings will help me improve my spiritual and physical health. There are still times I wonder if this is all a bad dream. Life has taken an unexpected detour and I will do my best to enjoy the journey. 

Evolution of Music

            I am a country music fan but only by association. Before I met Branden, my knowledge of country music was the song Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys, whatever the  Mandrell sisters were singing on TV, and that Kenny Rogers knew when to hold 'em. Branden introduced me to country music like Hank and Randy Travis. Especially in those early years, country music was playing on the radio when we were in the car together. It was fine, I developed my own taste in country music that didn't always jive with his. Sometimes I would even listen to country when I was alone. But, I hadn't listened to any country music since he died 9 months ago. Listening to country music was more our thing than my thing. 

    One day in October,  I forgot my phone at home when I drove off to work. The horror. How was I supposed to stream my podcasts? Actually sitting in silence was not meshing with my Monday vibes. That's when I remembered my radio had this feature called FM. The first station that I tuned to was the local country station. It was fine, it was familiar. Then it happened. A Chris Stapleton song started and so did my tears. 

    The last concert Branden and I saw together was Chris Stapleton. It was a good weekend. It was 2019 before the world shut down. It was before Branden's mental health took a nose dive. We had gone to Louisville with two other couples and I was starting to see what life as a couple of empty nesters could be. I love being a mom, but I was looking forward to quality time with my husband, 

    Obviously, life in 2023 is not what I pictured back in 2019. In November, my youngest son and his girlfriend flew to Florida to go to a concert with my oldest son and daughter-in-law. It was HER, Imagine Dragons, and Chris Stapleton. (I know, weird combination). My daughter-in-law sent me a text during the concert to let me know that it was being live-streamed on the WalMart webpage. I decided to sit in the comfort of my own home, connect my computer to the TV, and enjoy the show. I wasn't sure how I would feel when Chris Stapleton started to play. But, I was fine. Music brings memories to the surface, but that's a good thing. 

    Every once in a while I will turn on country music when I am in the car. But, more than likely you will hear some 80s rock if you're next to me at a stop light. If I am in a mood, it might be Eminem or Nelly. If I feel I need some Jesus it will be Matt Maher. I like that my tastes are diverse. It's because of Branden that my diverse interests include country music.