The Year of Me

After the death of a loved one, holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays become reminders of absence. I got some strange looks when I told people I was dreading New Year’s Eve more than the other holidays. The thing is, family can fill in the void at big family gatherings. New Year’s Eve feels more personal. Not that we always went out or had plans, but Branden and I spent 33 New Year’s Eves together. 

Well, technically not Y2K. Branden was mandated to work overtime at the prison to wait for the computer glitch that never happened. But I digress…

I have learned this year that you can’t outrun your feelings. After weeks of wondering just what in the heck I was going to do for New Year’s Eve, I decided it didn’t really matter. It’s another day that I feel sad and a bit lonely. But, I don’t have to wallow in misery. I can make my favorite appetizers, watch a fun movie, and just be. I can reflect and plan for 2024, the Year of Me. 

You may think that the Year of Me sounds a bit self-indulgent. It’s just a matter of fact. For nearly 30 years my life decisions took into account my spouse and children. Naturally, some of my needs and wants were put on the back burner. For five years our life revolved around being part of the diaconate program. Then the last two years my energy was focused on Branden’s physical and mental health. In 2024, I more than likely will become an empty nester. (Except for the dogs). I am still a mother but my kids are figuring out their way and now I need to figure out how to focus on myself. It's a little weird but also the possibilities are intriguing.

While 2023 was a heartbreaking year, I am grateful for the blessings. In 2024, I am confident those blessings will help me improve my spiritual and physical health. There are still times I wonder if this is all a bad dream. Life has taken an unexpected detour and I will do my best to enjoy the journey.