July 24th

 July 24th, 2023

This date has been like a black hole just hovering ahead of me. It would have been our 30th wedding anniversary if it weren’t for that “until death do us part” clause. 

We hadn’t made any plans. Honestly, I was so weary of the “for worse” and “in sickness” era, I was hoping by July we would be in our “for better” and “in health” era. (I think I have seen too many videos and posts about Taylor Swift's Eras tour!)

The first anniversary without him was going to be hard enough but this one ended in a 0, 30 years is a long time. I stressed about what I would do on this day. At first I researched retreats where I could hide. I was considering a silent one where you stayed in a cabin and they left baskets of bread and cheese outside your door. Then I realized I would have to use an outhouse and that was a big no. Then I looked at spas but honestly that didn’t sound relaxing at all. People suggested a girls’ weekend. But, seriously, I didn’t want to pretend that I was having fun when I wasn’t sure I could have fun.

So I decided what I was going to do. I was going to be sad. And that’s ok.

It is the natural instinct to try and make someone feel happy when they feel sad. But, sometimes you are just sad for a while. I won’t dwell in the sadness forever but I can’t deny I will be sad. I realized making plans to go away was me trying to run away from being sad. 

So, for our anniversary I will go to daily Mass like I usually do in the summer. I noticed earlier in the month that the homeless shelter needed someone to provide dinner on our anniversary so I buying dinner. Then last week I got an email that my lawyer has my will ready to be signed and had appointments available on our anniversary. That made me laugh so I scheduled the appointment. 

I did buy myself a gift. It’s a widow’s bracelet. (I really dislike that name.) I placed Branden’s wedding ring and my 10th anniversary ring in it. It will be a way to honor the 29 ½ years we were married. One day I will be able to focus more on the good memories instead of mourning all the plans that never happened.

This weekend I have been on an emotional roller coaster as I anticipate the dreaded day. I started listening to some Matt Maher as I did stuff around the house. It's interesting how a song you've heard so many times can reach you when you need it. Here's the part that I will cling to this week from Hold Us Together:

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark, you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright