HELP!

     When Branden was in inpatient therapy I had someone ask me what they could do to help a family when there was a crisis. I couldn’t, at the time, articulate what would have helped me. Since Branden’s death I have had wonderful support. My natural instinct is to say that I appreciate the help, but I can handle it on my own. Wisely, I took the advice of a friend and said yes to any help that was offered the past few months. It is alright to need help.
When your spouse is in a mental health crisis, more than likely they are barely taking care of themself let alone meeting anyone else’s needs. While Branden was trying to overcome his problems, I was trying to keep everything else in our life together. It was exhausting and I was not the best version of myself. I had no idea how to ask for help or even how to explain what I needed. I eventually gave up expecting help. I hate to even admit it, but when he went into residential treatment I felt like I could breathe deeply for the first time in almost a year. I knew he was safe. We were blessed that his parents let him stay with them while he attended outpatient therapy. I didn’t like being apart but it gave us both a break to work on ourselves. 

        Often people say, and I know I have said the same thing, “If you need anything just call.” Honestly, how often do we get that phone call? If we are walking by a pond and see someone drowning it would be ridiculous to yell “Let me know if you need help!” We would take action. When we see someone figuratively drowning under the weight of their problems we also need to take action. It's hard for some people to admit they need help.
Everyone’s needs are different but it meant so much to me when someone reached out with a text or an email to say they were praying for me. Branden felt the same way. He needed that encouragement, he needed to know people still cared about him after he admitted he was an alcoholic. I also appreciated those friends who would listen to me as I rambled because sometimes talking through things helps you see the problem more clearly. I didn’t necessarily need advice, I needed to feel safe and supported. 
I admit there is a fine line between helping and enabling a person with addiction and other mental health issues. People like to talk about “tough love”, but I wish we focused more on making sure people know they are loved. Of course, you have to keep yourself physically, mentally, and financially safe. You have to set boundaries. You can’t force a person to become better. But, what is a person’s incentive for getting better if they don’t feel they have anyone to love them? Don’t tolerate bad behavior, but let people know you love them even when they mess up. Clearly explain that even when you are angry with someone, you can still love them. I tried to do this, but I know there were days that I was too stressed to show anyone love. 
If you know someone going through a mental health crisis, pay attention to how often they are getting out of the house and experiencing life. It became normal because of the pandemic for us to spend more time at home. We were still busy with the deacon formation classes and our youngest son's high school activities, but we really didn't do much else even when restrictions started loosening up. It's easy to see now that Branden was isolationg himself. It happened so gradually I didn't fully realize how serious the problem was. Then with Branden being at his parents' house part of the week and complaining of being sick all the time it just became natural that he spent most of his free time at home. Then slowly he was spending more and more time in our bedroom watching TV. I gave up trying to get him to go anywhere thinking that eventually he would feel better. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I would have convinced him to call a friend and just get out of the house more often.
Mental health issues affect the entire family. They need support and love, too. After Branden died, coworkers stepped up and took care of some things for me, without asking, and it made such a difference. You don’t have to make some big grand gesture to ease someone's stress. Offering to drive kids to a sports practice, sending a gift card just because, or offering to babysit so the adults can have some alone time would ease some stress. It was always nice to get out of the house, even if it was for a short time. to have some fun and try and forget the stress waiting for me at home. Any little gesture makes a person feel noticed and heard. 
I obviously don’t have all the answers, otherwise I may not be in this predicament. Although, I have to accept that God knew from the beginning the plans for us, it is easy to look back and wish I had done things differently. I can't change the past. I am striving to use my experiences to be a better friend and advocate. God still has a plan for me and I am trusting in his goodness.